Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
