I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Sober January is a disaster.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
