she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
