Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
