I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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