on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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