hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
sex in a hospital.. check
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
