I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
There's always time for handjobs
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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