my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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