He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
