Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
