Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
