this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
