If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
