He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
