do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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