I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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