If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
My balls are so social today.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
