HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
