I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
