Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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