Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
