I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"