Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
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you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
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Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it