So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Randomize
