at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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