I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
