Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
