found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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