2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
