He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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