At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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