I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
