I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
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