sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
