What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
