I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
