pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
We are all done wearing pants today
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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