Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
