you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
