I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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