haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Every concussion has its silver lining
This baby is an asshole
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
