She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
