i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
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I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
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I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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