Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
