well I can't set my house on fire every night
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Randomize
