you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
