Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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