Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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