Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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