I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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