He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
