just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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