I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Randomize
