i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
