if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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