I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
