JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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