There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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